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listening to "Ray LaMontagne - Three More Days" on Blip   
10:11am 07/09/2010
  Three more days!  

(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

12:19pm 19/05/2010
  I had a melt down yesterday and nearly quit law school. So there's that.  

(2 Field Mice | Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

07:06pm 05/03/2010
  Hi. I just tweeted this, but I thought I'd expand on it some.

Tried to explain my bouts with anxiety to someone and she just straight up did not get it.

So here we go, guys. You know that feeling when you realize you just nearly died in a car accident? Sometimes, I get that feeling for no reason.

And sometimes it's just lurking, waiting for something to happen so it seems like there's a reason, when really there's not. And sometimes I just sit there, heart pounding, waiting for it to pass.

It got really bad four weeks ago, bad enough that I would wake up in the middle of the night and cry. Bad enough that I would yell at my boyfriend for things that didn't matter a long time ago certainly didn't matter then. And then I would cry and apologize and tell him I didn't know what was wrong with me.

And he said maybe I should go to therapy. So I did. And now I am on medication. And I was doing better.

And then my boyfriend dumped me because my anxiety in the previous weeks had drained him. Which of course, aggravated my anxiety.

So that's my past week in a nut shell. I'm getting it under control again.

I am wishing, but not hopeful, that he will give me a chance to show him that that's not who I really am, that basically all of our problems have spun out of this thing inside me that I am learning to tame. That really what we have is good enough to not be killed by this.

And if he doesn't believe that, then I'm relatively certain that I was right when I thought that he didn't love me the way I loved him.

(1 Field Mice | Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

04:16pm 02/03/2010
  Getting there, y'all. Just gotta knock out this brief.

Also, PS. If you eat once in three days, when your body demands you eat immediately, it will then vomit up whatever you ate, even if it was just a cracker. JUST AN FYI. NOT THAT I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE OR ANYTHING.

(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

07:44pm 27/02/2010
  Because it's the way life works, the day I HAVE to work on my brief, the boy I've been in love with for the past seven months, the one who drunkenly asked me to marry him a month ago, decided to dump me today.

I am not taking this well.

(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

09:24am 15/02/2010
  Oh hey. I made an appointment for CAPS for this Thursday. Because that is how messed up this past week has been. Even though nothing happened.

I am so grateful that my boyfriend is so amazingly patient with me because I have done nothing to deserve it.

Um, that's about it really. Counseling on Thursday and then Tegan and Sara and then my mom will be here. Which is cool. Thursday will be good. I am looking forward to it.

I am also looking forward to three weeks from now when I will finally be able to see my boyfriend again. Snow and law school can both go fuck themselves.

(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

Men Just aren't funny   
08:33pm 13/02/2010
  They just aren't.  

(1 Field Mice | Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

09:56pm 12/01/2010
  Observation: after fights, boys always want sex.

I just want to cuddle and talk about how much we love each other, okay?

(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

12:00am 07/01/2010
  I wish more than anything that "Kids" by MGMT didn't make me think of you.  

(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

08:22pm 29/12/2009
  Can I marry George Stephanopoulos please?

"So, anyway, I went to have that lunch with George expecting it to be a perfectly nice lunch, nothing else, and I am telling you, halfway through lunch I suddenly couldn’t eat. My pits were sweating. We were both just talking gibberish by that point. I had my hair up in a clip and I do remember making a point of taking that clip out. At the end of lunch, he shook my hand and said, it was very nice to meet you. And I thought, well, that’s it. Because in L.A. they try to bed you—doesn’t matter what time of day it is. But then he called me later that afternoon and Holly was standing behind me whispering to me to play hard to get, tell him you’re busy. He asked me what I was doing the next night and I said I wasn’t doing anything. In fact, I told him I wasn’t doing anything later that very same night either, but he said he actually had to work. We were engaged two months later. We’re now in our ninth year and still when he walks in a room I get a little shiver. The passion is all still there."

(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

10:51am 03/12/2009

You know, some stuff on maternity leave, to go with my last post. My question here is how much the US's policy actually discourages women from having children (or at least taking time off for it), and to what extent that is actually what causes the US to have more women in management positions. Probably lots, I would think.

Also, I fucking hate that even if you're not planning on having children, you will get fucked over because you have a uterus. "WHAT IF SHE CHANGES HER MIND AND WANTS TO HAVE A BABY?" Yeah, what if, fucker? And what if the male you just hired decides he wants to go be a circus clown?

(2 Field Mice | Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

Ramblings on Surrogacy   
12:04pm 02/12/2009
  So we've talked in a couple classes now about surrogacy and "selling babies" and all that. And a couple of things kind of strike me.

One: I don't have a gut instinct, "THAT IS BAD" reaction to the idea of hiring someone else to carry you're baby just because you don't particularly want to. Despite attempts at correction, taking time off due to maternity does set you back at work. You won't be on partner track anymore. I've been struggling some with the idea of when the hell I'm going to have time to get married or have kids, because once you graduate law school, it's all about the passing the bar, and then you're an associate working towards partner, and you can't take time off for a honeymoon or pregnancy because you have to be working all the time. And the latter is a problem men don't face. I almost see this as a possible stop-gap to the problem of maternity leave. You still get to have a child, it still has your genes, but you haven't taken time off. At the same time, this obviously isn't a long term solution-- eventually we will need to find a way to prevent taking time off to have a baby from automatically signaling that a woman now has to focus on her baby over her career.

It does, however, clearly exacerbate the rich-poor gap. Poorer women will be carrying babies for rich women to enable them to make themselves richer. At the same time, surrogacy is almost exclusively a working class opportunity, not a lower class one. Rich women won't trust truly poor women to carry their child, because of the idea that poor women are poor for a reason: they might have mental disabilities that would prevent them from properly caring for an unborn child, they might have drug addiction, they might have health problems. So the truly poor wouldn't actually benefit from this.

Or be exploited by it? Although I don't really see it as exploitation, I could see how others might. Like I said, rich women wouldn't do this. At the same time, if this is an opportunity for women to make money, why should we deny them that right, when no one is hurt by their actions. (Insert comparison to prostitution here.) But it's not really a preferred job, is it? Then again, since when do the poor ever get preferred jobs? There are a lot of economic issues at play here.

Further, most states require you to show that you are unable to conceive before they will allow you to hire a surrogate. And that seems wrong to me somehow? The state of my body is none of your business. I have made a choice, this other woman has made a choice, how is it your concern? Maybe I just feel that way though because of all the stuff in the first paragraph. I can see the logic in requiring that a surrogate have had children previously; that will effect her ability to determine if she can give up a child she's carried. But some of the other stuff seems silly.

Also, the courts tend to run with this idea that a woman can't really know if she's able to give up a child she's birthed until she's birthed it. Because birthing is special and it makes women emotional. And I don't know what to do with this idea. I think it does women a disservice almost by saying that they're too emotional to make rational decisions. But at the same time, birthing is a huge deal. There are chemical and hormonal changes in your body, that yes, make you emotional. To pretend that isn't true also does a disservice. But to say that a women is completely unable to make that decision beforehand?

That's most of the junk in my head right now about this. I might add more later. But seriously. It's complicated.

(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

11:37am 12/10/2009
  Sometimes it strikes me just how easy it is to trust him, how I'm not even tempted to look at his email when it's up or ask about other girls or anything.

And it feels so damn healthy.

(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

11:41am 06/10/2009

Even if he refers to himself as a "conservative" instead of "Republican."

(3 Field Mice | Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

12:46am 29/09/2009
  Oh hey. Here's a thing. Got a rumor that the ex date raped a girl. And um. I can see it happening? Not that he would ever drug anyone. But just that he would get drunk and get a girl drunk and pressure her into it when she didn't really want it.

So that's weird. I asked him about it. And he said, No, I would never. But qualified it with a, I got really drunk a lot this summer, I was really really depressed.

He got mad when I wouldn't tell him who it was. But. I felt this need to protect her. And I flat out told him, regardless of what did or didn't happen, you cannot attack her, I will not let you.

New boy feels really awkward when I talk about Peter/ when he sees pictures of me and Peter. Which, hey, I understand, but also, he was a major part of my life for 4.5 years, so you kind of have to suck it up a little bit, babe, because he doesn't just disappear.

Oh, also. New boy. I don't how many people from CONA still read this or whatever. But new boy is Hunter Patterson. Yes, that Hunter Patterson. I just wanted to put that out there.

So. That post turned from sad to happy in just a short bit there.

(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

11:37am 01/09/2009
  Dear life,

We need to talk. At some point recently, I forgot that I was in love with you. It's sucked for a bit here. And this weekend, fuck this weekend, man. That sucked. I don't want that to happen anymore, okay? But, at some point yesterday, I remembered. I remembered that as long as we love each other, I can get through anything. And god, today is fucking beautiful. And the birds outside my apartment are awesome. And the sky is blue blue blue, but even yesterday when it was gray, I was so happy. THANK YOU. Thank you for this coming weekend and being able to see my love and all that that entails.

That's it really.


(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

08:21am 17/07/2009
  I feel obnoxiously stupid for crying about this because I completely did it to myself and it's what I wanted or thought I wanted or something, but I kind of hate myself at the moment, k thanks.

Steven will be pleased, I suppose. I should totally be pleased. Really I should. Things are super better this way. But instead, I just feel miserable.

(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

10:46pm 15/07/2009
  She flips through my photos from the Rodin museum, as I talk about how I cried there when I was 16.

She stops at one, a title picture, and says, "Awww... I can see how this made 16-year-old emo Meg cry."

She stops on what is still my favorite. Je suis belle.

On I day when I am so not.

(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

08:51am 28/05/2009
  This is totally awesome.

And I love this comment from it:

you are one of the best writers ever
and if you were my neighbor
i would weed your garden
for free
just because you understand
what is important in the world
and how to illustrate it

i am just saying..."

(1 Field Mice | Little Bunny Foo Foo...)

10:56pm 14/05/2009
  When I get in the car on a dark night with loud music, there is only about a 50% chance I will end up where I originally intended to go.

Back roads call to me. The smell of honeysuckle is overpowering. I don't know where I am going.

I knew, I knew, I should have done the driving meditation but instead I just want to get away. Get away.

I think about driving to the airport, but it's too tempting, and I don't trust myself not to just buy the ticket and go. Where? Memphis? DC? Charlotte?

Charlotte's too close, I'd be better off driving, and I nearly do, but you've got that doctors appointment, and god only knows what would happen if I went.

Have you told her? Are you going to? I can't bring myself to ask. I don't want to know. I'd rather just idealize you in my head.

And god, what is wrong with me, why can't I focus? Why can't I just pick one for like, 30 seconds.

Evidently, I have, because I couldn't stop talking about you when I was drunk, but the sober me knows you're a bad choice and that ANY OF THE OTHERS WOULD BE BETTER.

I just. Don't. Know. Anything.

(Little Bunny Foo Foo...)